Archive | February, 2010

Awards night

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Awards night

Posted on 28 February 2010 by PakBee - Total hits: 2,411

Hello people, and welcome to the First Annual Pakistani Private TV Channels Awards. I, Wamid Mir, will be your host for the evening and with me will be the lovely, Dr. Shireen Blackwater Baymaari. Let’s kick off this grand event, but first, a choti se break, and a word from our main sponsors, Aafia Fairness Cream.

Yes, people, every Pakistani daughter, wife, mother and sister should be using this cream, made from natural Jalalabad almonds, ripe Swati lemons, and scintillating Afghan gun powder extracts. Experience a great sense of non-Caucasian fairness with Aafia Fairness Cream … otherwise you’re a traitor!

Over to you Shireen.

Thank you, Wamid. I hate the US!

 That’s nice to know, Shireen. Now, can we know who the nominees for our first award are?

No! Not unless you expel the Blackwater agents planted within the audience.

 Okay. Can you help us pinpoint them?

There! There’s one!

 What? That’s an empty chair!

Well, that’s what Blackwater would want you to believe. Get him out!

 Right. We will. Now can you please announce the nominees for our first award?

Okay. The first award is for the Loudest Talk Show Host. And the nominees are: Dr. Deafeningly  Danish and  Meher Blah Brunette Bokhari.

And the winner is: Dr. Deafeningly Danish!  Dr. Deafening, please come up the stage and accept your award.

 THANK YOU, SHIREEN!! THANK YOU WAMID! CAN YOU HEAR ME??

 Ahem, yes, we can Dr. Deafening. Can you kindly take the award without delivering a speech? I don’t think our mics and speakers have enough watts in them to handle your voice.

OKAY, WAMID SAHIB! AND SORRY, MEHER, I BEAT YOU!!

 OH, YOU SHUT UP, YOU URDU-MEDIUM MAN-SIREN!! THIS IS NOT FAIR!! I AM LOUDER AND DUMBER! CAN YOU HEAR ME??

 We can hear you both loud and clear. Now will you kindly keep quiet?

OKAY!

Phew. Thank you. Do I hear whistling in the hall, or is it just my ears ringing? Anyway, on to our next award. Shireen, can you take us through it?

No!

Now what?

I can see CIA agents.

Where?

In your ears.

In my ears? But it’s just wax.

Precisely.

 Okay, I’ll get rid of it.

Good boy. Okay, our next award is for the most Blessedly Warped TV Personality. And the nominees are: Zion Hamid; Dr. Aamer Aafat; and Dr. Shahid Barood. This is a tough one. But, alas, the winner is the great Zion Hamid. Zion sahib, kindly come and take your award from Wamid Mir saheb.

 Zion sahib is in India at the moment, Shireen. He will be with us via satellite. You can see and hear his acceptance speech on this big screen behind me. Yes, Mr. Zion.

Hello, Wamid. Hello people. I am speaking to you live from the Red Fort in New Delhi. And I want to give the nation the good news that my army has taken over India. Rejoice!

 

That’s India? You are sitting in front of a video backdrop of the Red Fort.

Shut-up, Wamid. What do you know? You’re a CIA agent, anyway. I am in India, and to prove it, I have with me, Muhammad Bin Qasim! Say hello to our brothers and sisters in Pakistan, Qasim bhai.

 That’s Ali Azmat!

Shut-up, Wamid. He is Muhammad Bin Qasim. Every Pakistani is Muhammad Bin Qasim!

 Even the women?

Especially the women! Have you ever seen Maria B without make-up?

 You are making fun of your own supporter?

We are at war. And war is fun.

 Err … Zion sahib, the Red Fort backdrop was just replaced by a backdrop of a beach in Honolulu.

It was? Oh … umm … that’s not Honolulu. That’s a beach near Mumbai.

 Really? Since when have Mumbai beaches got Hawaiian women dancing on them?

Well … err … its tourism season here in Mumbai.

 But we thought you were in Delhi.

I am! I can prove it. I have with me Aishwarya Rai. Say hello to your new rulers, sister Aishwarya.

What? That’s Ahmed Qureshi in a sari!

How dare you! Enough! I can’t accept this stupid USA-India-UK-Papua New Guinea-sponsored award of yours. I have better things to do.

Like what?

Like conquering Israel! My next speech to the nation will be delivered from Tel Aviv.

I see. Well, good luck, Zion sahib. By the way, before you go, just wanted to tell you your backdrop has changed again. And it looks very much like Disney Land.

Alhamdulillah! It seems we’ve conquered the United States as well. Rejoice!

So, Shireen, whom do you want to give this award to now?

Well, I always thought the award should have been shared by all the nominees. They’re all so blessed. Come on up, guys, come to mama, and take your Most Blessedly Warped TV Personality Award!

Nice. Shahid Barood, would you like to say something?

 I can’t, Wamid. The evil government is out to destroy me. I’m in hiding.

But you’re right here. We can see you.

No, Wamid, you can’t. I’m not here.

 You are very much here, now speak!

Mama Shireen, kindly explain the sensitivity of the issue to Wamid.

 Wamid, since Barood is in hiding, we’ll have to call Aamer Aafat to receive this prestigious award.

 But he’s right here. I can see him. You can see him. The whole world can see him!

See who?

 Shahid Barood!

 Where?

 Here! Right in front of you!

Stop hallucinating, Wamid. It seems that ear-wax of yours has gotten into your eyes as well. Good luck, Barood, wherever you are, and may the force of brave journalism be with you.

 Thank you, mom, I will only come out of hiding after this corrupt government is toppled by gallant journalists like you and me.

 Hey, me too!

Okay, you too, Wamid.

Thanks, Shahid.

Sigh. Life is not easy when one’s in hiding.

 Where are you hiding?

I am in a bunker designed specially by Peo TV for my brilliant talk show, ‘Meray MutaBak-Bak.’

 Well, good luck to you, my brave friend. Let me shake your hand. Oh, my, your palms are so cold. Do meet us whenever you come out of hiding.

I will, I wish you could see the state I am in.

 But I can.

No you can’t!

 Of course, I can’t.  My bad. Anyway, Dr. Aamer Aafat, kindly collect the award from us.

Jazzakallah! Jazzakallah! I am honored. How much money am I getting with this award?

 Err … none.

Mahshallah. And may I know how much money you are getting to host this show?

 As much as you are getting to do that show of yours, ‘Zaalim Online.’

Alhamdulillah. Really happy to hear that. You see, brothers …

 I’m a sister, dimwit!

 Oh, a thousand apologies, sister Shireen. Wah! Kya naam hai. Shireen. The Sweetening. Mashallah.

 Shukriah.

 No, sister. Say Jazzakallah. We are, after all, Arabs.

 But my ancestors were Jats from Punjab.

Wamid bhai, Punjab is in Arabia.

 No, it isn’t.

Yes, it is pyare bhai. Can I see the soles of your shoes?

 They’re green.

No wonder. Brother, green is the colour of Islam, it is the colour of Pakistan, and now it is also the colour of my hair. Here, see the green streaking in my hair and beard? Lovely, isn’t it? But, brother, it can’t be the colour of the soles of your shoes.

 What are you talking about? You have a garden in your house that has green grass and on which you walk. And the carpet you are standing on right now, its colour is green too!

No, brother, you are obviously mistaken. The carpet is black. Isn’t it, Sister Sweetening?

 Yes, it is. Blackwater black!

 And the grass of your garden. Is that black too?

Arey, Wamid bhai. What are we talking about? Let’s talk about the message of love and peace that our faith gives. Let’s go out and stone a few heathens, lynch a few Jews, flog some women and …

 Let’s just move on, shall we. The next award is for the most Ubiquitous Talk Show Guest. And the nominees are: Gymran Khan; Marvi Siren; Sansar Abbasi; and Haroon-i-Islami. This award will be given by the famous TV hosts, Kamran Can’t and Javed Sermon Chudary. The winner is, the super-fit, Gymran Khan!

Wamid, Gymran is not here. He’s busy negotiating with the Taliban.

 Thank you, Shireen. He must be up in the mountains of Waziristan then.

No. Zaman Park, Lahore.

 What? There are Taliban in Zaman Park?

No, that’s the name of the area where Gym lives.

 So Gym has invited the Taliban to his place?

No. He has invited Qazi Hussain Ahmed.

 So who is negotiating with the Taliban then?

Gym is, of course.

 But he’s in Lahore.

So where else should he be? Mars?

 He should be where the Taliban are!

Where are the Taliban?

 Waziristan, Swat, Bannu, South Punjab …

Lies! All Blackwater propaganda!

 Then with whom is Gym negotiating, if there are no Taliban?

I never said that!

 You just did. Kamran Can’t is a witness. Right, Kamran?

Corruption, Zardari, Zardari corruption, Zardari, corruption, corruption, Zardari …

 Never mind. Well, folks, I guess that’s about it. Take care of yourself, and I hope you enjoyed this disaster, but we are proud of it because it’s our very own disaster … and a mighty lucrative one as well.

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Tsunami waves hit Russia, no damage reported

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Tsunami waves hit Russia, no damage reported

Posted on 28 February 2010 by PakBee - Total hits: 1,217

MOSCOW: Tsunami waves of up to 0.8 metres hit Russia’s east coast on Sunday following a major earthquake in Chile, but no damage was reported.

A series of waves hit the Kamchatka Peninsula, northeast of Japan, peaking at around 80 cm (2 ft 7 in), an official at the Sakhalin Tsunami Centre said. Waves were continuing to hit the nearby Kuril islands, she said.

The tsunami alert was lifted on the Kamchatka Peninsula, as pokeswoman for the region’s Emergencies Ministry said. “No damage has been reported,” she said.

The volcanic Kamchatka peninsula is Russia’s easternmost region, nine time zones east of Moscow. Heavily militarized during the Soviet Union, it is now a centre for mining of platinum, copper, gold and nickel.

Dozens of people were evacuated from coastal homes on the Kuril Islands, a local news agency reported, quoting a local official. Most of the residents of the islands live on high land, the official said.

The remote archipelago of sparsely inhabited islands stretches northeast from Japan to the Kamchatka peninsula. Japan claims four of the islands, and the territorial dispute has soured relations with Russia since the Second World War.

A number of boats left ports to take refuge from the waves in the open sea to the west of the islands, an official from the regional administration said.

Japan evacuated hundreds of thousands of people over fears that 3 metre waves could hit. The tsunami was racing across the Pacific from Chile where the 8.8 magnitude earthquake struck on Saturday, killing more than 300 people.

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PM media cell Using GMail Account

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PM media cell Using GMail Account

Posted on 28 February 2010 by PakBee - Total hits: 3,171

Earlier today I came across this news playing on GEO television network where they showed an email sent from PM cell. The address was mentioned as pmmediaoffice [at] gmail.com.

Went into shock and awe. The government official channel is using GMAIL account. What is going on here? Thought it was some kinda mistake so I just googled the email address and I found the exact email address. Exact Match!!.

Check it out for yourself here http://asiapacific.ifj.org/en/articles/appeal-to-government-to-protect-targeted-journalists-in-pakistan

•When we have all the official IT infrastructure to help the cause then why do they use the GMail account?
•When we have Electronic Government Directorate to enhance the efficiency of the government, then why do we have GMail account for official purpose?
•When we have official email addresses backed by Government own IT infrastructure, then why do we keep our mails on public servers?
•When there is petty amount of tax payers money going to the pockets of providers of securing government communication, then why do we rely on freely available email address?
Do we not know the repercussions of having freely available email address? Out of my narrow sightedness. What do you think?

by ProPakistani.

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Watch Online TV

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Watch Online TV

Posted on 27 February 2010 by PakBee - Total hits: 6,288

The phenomena of putting the transmission online by TV channels came after the emergency was imposed by President Musharraf on November 03, 2007l; when all TV Channels were capped to on air their transmission in Pakistan.

The ban hit Geo TV the worst that remained offline for about three months. During this, Geo TV and others TV Channels, including, ARY One World, Dawn, AJJ TV etc started broadcasting their live feeds on their websites.

Watch GEO NEWS LIVE

http://www.geo.tv/geoip

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Nation celebrating Eid Milad-un-Nabi

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Nation celebrating Eid Milad-un-Nabi

Posted on 27 February 2010 by PakBee - Total hits: 2,479

ISLAMABAD: The nation on Saturday is celebrating Jashan-e-Eid Milad-un-Nabi (Peace Be Upon Him) on 12th Rabi-ul-Awwal of lunar year with religious reverence and fervor, renewing the pledge to follow true teachings of the Holy Prophet Mohammed (Peace Be Upon Him).

A large number of processions, comprising faithful on foot, motorcycles, cars, big trucks, vans and other vehicles, holding banners, green flags and placards, are being taken out in various cities of country including Karachi, Lahore, Peshawar, Quetta, Islamabad, Hyderabad and others.

The day will begin with special prayers for development, safety, peace, unity and brotherhood amongst the followers of Holy Prophet (PBUH).

Special security arrangements have been made to maintain law and order situation all across the country on the occasion of 12th Rabi-ul-Awal.

Newspapers and magazines are publishing special supplements while television channels and radio stations arranging special ‘Naatia Mushairas’ and quiz programmes on Seerat-e-Mustafa (PBUH) to celebrate the memorable eve.

All major government and private buildings, residential and commercial plazas, markets, mosques, roundabouts and even houses have been tastefully illuminated with colorful lights.

Mahafil-e-Milad and public meetings are being held in different parts of the country, while faithful are actively participating in the programs organized by different local, religious and social organizations.

Na’at and the Holy Quran reciting competitions would be held throughout the day in almost every nook and corner of the country to revive the real spirit of Islam and offer respect to the Holy Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him).

There have been adopted special security arrangements in the Federal Capital, Rawalpindi, Karachi, Lahore, Quetta, Peshawar and other cities and towns across the country to avoid any untoward incident. Participants of Mahafil would be properly verified and checked by security personnel.

Milad processions would be taken out from different areas of twin cities, reciting Na’ats and Darood o Salam for the Holy Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him).

Major event of the day would be the annual National Seerat Conference to be held later in the day in which prominent Ulema and scholars from across the country would deliver lectures on the seerat, services, teachings and holy deeds of Holy Prophet of Islam Hazrat Mohammed Mustufa (Sallalah o Aleh e Waaleh-e-Wasallam).

Selected Ulema and scholars would present their articles on this year’s theme “Preaching strategy in the light of Holy Prophet’s (PBUH) teachings.”

Besides, such conferences would also be held at provincial headquarters, divisional and district levels to pay respect and homage to Allah Almighty’s Last Messenger (SAWW).

Congregations would be organized in all important cities of the country where the preachers and scholars would highlight the teachings of the Holy Prophet (PBUH) besides delivering lectures on His way of life.

For faithful, Eid Milad-un-Nabbi is a highly regarded religious festival when they express gratitude and thank to Allah Almighty for blessing the universe with His last messenger and Prophet Hazrat Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him).

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